We all have at least one closed door we’re constantly being called out to open. Intuitively, we know it takes much less energy to open it up and live in truth other than to stay there, hesitant and in conflict about opening it up. And yet, we resist.
And the reason for that is because what we’re hiding is such a great part of our sense of self and identity, and it freaks us out.
What is it that would freak you out?
After living most of your life, not owning that part of you that is such a core part of who you are, deep down you know all is going to change after you make that move.
Fear of rejection, not fitting in anymore. Fear, or intensifying existing feelings of inadequacy.
But the real change happens inside. The underlying fear is that once you go face to face with that truth, you'll need to own that part of yourself and do something about it. You'll strive to live in congruency. You know your life cannot be the same once you heal and own that (important) part of yourself.
That important part of yourself you've been disowning and hiding - that is a big part of your life mission.
All the threatening stories that you keep in your head, that it will ruin your career, your relationships, they are your poisoned-self, terrorising you.
Relationships may change, yes, but the ones that will change for the worse will be the ones that were not healthy or sincere relationships to start with. Some cleansing will happen.
On the other hand, by sharing that core part of yourself you were hiding, you will open the door in your life to meet kindred spirits and give yourself a chance to live from sincere relationships only.
That sense of belonging in a group is one of the best you can experience in life.
So, what door…or doors, are you being called out to open?
Personally, I've always held back my desire to become an entrepreneur, a thought leader, own my spiritual gifts and female power. I've spent at least 33 years of my life hiding standing in front of these doors wondering if and how much should I open them. I've made shy movements to open them up, but I realize now, I was just starting to open them. I'm here to share a bit more of that experience with you today.
The Entrepreneurship Door
I've always felt my successful and ascending corporate career gave me much more traction and recognition than any other venture.
To be an entrepreneur, for me, always felt exciting - like chasing a dream. Something one does for fun but can't take seriously for a living, as a non-safe career path. And I didn't want to be seen as a dreamer, I wanted to be seen as a grounded, reliable and realistic person.
The Leadership Door
I've always drawn people's attention and curiosity. I often used to feel like I was unwantedly being put on the spot. When accepting any leadership position that was asked for me to take on - I would say yes (coming from a sense of obligation and social orientation), only later to regret that, because in the roles and institutions I'd be leading I couldn't realistically transform things according to my true vision. So, for me, that leadership always felt halfhearted – fake, unauthentic and a mere status in the organisation.
The Female Power Door
Until recently, I had a hard time believing in such things as sisterhood and female power.
As far as sisterhood and as early as my first childhood memory...while in kindergarten, ironically I was being picked on by other girls and not by boys. My first childhood memory is me at school playing alone because the two girls beside me said I was a show off (and in my mind I had done absolutely nothing to show off).
In my teens, I felt ugly and prayed every day to God for the blessing of being pretty. I used to look at all the movies and magazines, at real life girls I knew and they were all pretty. I was not.
After being picked on by my brother as teenagers, for having large hips, I completely disliked my body. In all ways I would hide my hips and lose weight. I started a diet and became thin in an unhealthy way. Realizing I was jeopardizing my health (and my bone structure was still there), I dropped out of the obsession, but ultimately my "hips" were always something I felt I should hide, first because they were "too large" and later because they were drawing too much male attention.
One year later, out of the blue I was nominated for a beauty pageant at school and couldn't believe it. In University I was surprisingly approached by a renowned commercial modelling agency while with my family in a shopping centre, and decided not to go because I wanted to dedicate my life to pursuing a career and not a short term gig based upon looks only. Yep, go figure.
The female poisoned-self also kicked in while choosing a career...Oceanography, Diplomacy, International Affairs and Engineering came into consideration.
As long as it was not a predictable "girl course", it would be a possibility. If it looked shockingly different than anything one would expect a girl would study, even better.
I remember feeling proud of telling people what grad school I was in. The unspoken conversations in my mind were like this: "Did you expect me to go for Nutrition, Fashion, Psychology, Pedagogy? Nope. Engineering, you fool. I'm smart and tough." (Ironic now looking at my current road nowadays right? :P)
While in University, I was seen as "the good girl", and in my class I was nicknamed "Little-Doll", for being pretty and delicate as a doll. They were not coming from a place of disrespect, but as you can imagine, it was something I wasn't fond of. Later I managed to start being called by my last name, the proforma.
In Engineering school, the (few) girls in my early classes I called friends, were jealous most of the time or picking on me with daily questions like "why do you always dress up to come to school? Why do you wear so much eyeliner? Can you please come to school one day without any makeup on? You told us you didn't know much about that subject, and now you have a high grade in the test? Why are you not sharing your knowledge with us?".
I even feel tired while remembering and writing this, but here my confession goes:
It took a lot of work to fully accept peace with all the aspects of being a female - physical, social, career-wise. Simply because while growing up, and even as a young adult, I felt I couldn't fully be me among "the she's”, and I couldn't be me among "the he's”. Ultimately, if I had to choose one group where I would be more comfortable, meaning in more sincere company, I'd be definitely be picking the boys to hang out with.
For different reasons, often I felt " I was too much" and I should "be less" to be taken in.
More and more I started to cultivate and enjoy my alone time. And dig deeper into studies.
Leaving University and stepping into corporate, at the beginning of my career, I experienced being constantly annoyed and feeling disrespected by clients or colleagues acting inappropriately. Making a pass, or talking about my looks in a meeting ("how can I say no to this pretty lady"), or making jokes about how I drove badly for being a female. In my early 20's, in one of my first jobs where I worked as a sales account manager, I had a boss that used to tell me to not be alone with men in trade shows because otherwise I would be given a bad reputation (shockingly the year was 2007, not the 60's when he was born).
Later I realized that no matter how high I rose up the company, I couldn't help being distracted by male voices saying I was getting results by my competence, but also because I was throwing my female charm to get things.
What about having amazing female colleagues and managers? I had zero direct managers that I had a positive and growth experience with back then. I started working for them from admiration and looking for female leadership role models, empathy and potentially extra support. Only I've found myself mostly working without any kind of coaching and instead of empathy, I've found myself and my work overly criticized, as if nothing was ever good enough. I felt their non-filtered self criticism fully project on to me. And saw myself professionally in plateaus while working with them, to the point that I told myself I'd never want a female boss ever again. Enough of being a punch bag and being treated like a threat.
I had only two female leaders in my whole corporate career that really sponsored me and that I have profound love and gratitude for. Both of them were executive and international business leaders. One of them, Lyne Girard, helped me to make a move in my career that would support my personal life by activating her own connections to support me with my options. And another one Maggi Adragna, that I will never ever forget and cannot be thankful enough for having hired me by saying “I love you! You're hired! If you want, the job is yours! “ Decisively, on the spot, in the middle of our first interview. She offered to help me develop my career in any area of her business. (The fact that I screwed things up later for trying to over please her in a way to show my immense gratitude, getting out of my authentic self is a whole other story, for another moment).
Well, I'm in a good place now with my femininity. But it was tough, as I'm sure it's tough for many other women out there, one of the reasons why I share all this.
Now, as I keep working on my Poised Feminine, I keep receiving invites to be part of amazing female leaders groups, my relationships with my female and male friends, with my mother and my relationship with being a mother not only progressively heals but expands.
The Poised Feminine, as well as the Poised Masculine, is one of the key areas I work with my clients to help them heal and become once again, whole. We all have a feminine and masculine nature that needs to be balanced.
In order to have a poised life and a poised business, one of the most important things is to cultivate clarity and balanced energy.
If, for you, feeling productive means to be working long hours a day, you're always in hustle mode, driven by tasks & strategy, money making is your only goal, if you're living life as if it were a race, if you experience your business industry as filled with competition - then you're completely disowning the Poised Feminine and Masculine principles and will never feel successful or happy in life and in business.
In different ways, but in analogy to how I was telling my story, in ways that I was never happy with what I had or who I was because I was living my life and being me through external and judgemental eyes.
The Spiritual Door
If you think I wrote a lot until now, I can tell you this is nothing. Because the Spiritual door, that's THE ONE I used to spend most of my time in front of - afraid of fully opening it.
Because that's where my model of the world was coming from. That's where I could find the most important piece of my identity: my spiritual being.
Since a young girl, I had the sensation of having people watching me, sometimes seeing people I had no idea who they were (only to cover my face below the blankets and pray to God to make them all go away and make me fall asleep). I would experience intense energy movement rising from down my spine. But I was always too afraid to explore what all these meant.
I was raised Catholic, but in a non-strict way. I always had a fascination with the Church and would often feel at home attending mass. In other times, I'd feel myself trapped and shocked by the things that "true religious" people were telling me. As an example, when I had my Catechism, my teacher told me that there were no such things as spirits of nature, that everything in that field was the devil's creation. That was against the personal experiences and beliefs of nature spirits and elemental beings I had.
When I was 8 years old, my Mom enrolled me into a British English Language Institution and I developed a feeling of home with Britain. I fell in love with the extra curricular activities related to the Celtic culture (music, historical, etc) . Then, years later, I enrolled in specialized courses on Celtic culture, as well as other ancient civilizations.
In my early 20's, I engaged in religious related studies. More specifically, the studies of the commonalities of the main religions in the world. I got to know and started feeling affinity with an "ecumenic institution". Soon enough, I was asked to become a young representative leader of it. Soon enough, I was leaving this institution as I felt trapped by so much dogma and people preaching, not walking the talk they criticised all other religions or institutions for. Again, I was being asked to lead without really being the change agent I wanted to be.
Later, I was introduced to Astrology and felt so emotional and understood like never before after having a birth chart reading. I went down the rabbit hole and took a 3 year formation and started doing readings as an astrologer. I built a website, I called my business "Lyra Astrologiae" (note: if you're into Astrology, maybe you can understand that being a Pisces sun, to disown the dreamer and the spiritual side in me is really disowning my whole sense of self, right? ;)).
I was also initiated in Reiki 1 & 2, and soon after these initiations I felt I was remembering all of my healing capabilities.
I was then introduced and started practising Energetic Healing (which is about giving voice to our unconscious energetic bodies and feelings) and Akashic Records, having access to past lives, future, as well as guidance from the spirit.
If you've known me, or followed some of my on and off social media movements over the last decade, you must have picked up many of those movements of sharing those practices.
My challenge was that every time I would make a movement of telling the whole world "I'm coming out", I'd then retreat. I had an absurd fear of judgement. I had an absurd fear it would damage my corporate career reputation. And my whole personal reputation, for being too “woo woo”.
Over time, I suppressed working and talking about these studies, curiosities and hobbies of mine. They became dormant knowledge to me.
When I started University studying Psychology, I felt it was the right move because I could use all my gifts and bring them all under the Therapist umbrella, without being questioned. After all, Psychology has been recognized as a science.
In my early 20’s when I'd mention my mystic studies to a few “trusted” people I’d feel disappointed at times, because a few in a group would mock me for being filled with "woo woo" stuff. And while I was alone, they would approach me asking for any kind of woo woo way that could help them personally. Super sad, right?
And that’s the reason why over time, I started losing more of my self and feeling I needed to be alone to be fully me.
Stepping out of the corporate world, and whole heartedly stepping in to full time entrepreneurship, has been the most liberating and healing thing that could ever happen to me. I started to get back to myself, to take care of myself, to open these and explore many other doors that make me unique.
It has also taken me out of my comfort zone, as it demanded me to show up as my integral self, heal all parts of me so I could help others do to the same.
I decided to answer the call to own my mission - that is to guide others to open up the doors to their unique gifts, to show up in their own integrity, answer their unique calling.
If you feel called out to live a Poised Life, remember who you came here to be and what you came here to create, I'd love to meet you and guide you on The Poised Journey.